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The Saguache Crescent
Saguache , Colorado
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October 17, 1901     The Saguache Crescent
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October 17, 1901
 

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I THE TIME TO LAUGH. 8OME GOOD JOKES, ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. The Weight Came Back, or the Joke That ~'~ Loaded at Both Ends ! ~His Labor Lost--He Ra~ed the I Raiders, THE BLUFF ENDED HISL "In our far country, you are doubt- less aware," said the far Western man, "the man who steals a horse can count on being lynched if caught. One morning last year ! was told by the foreman of our ranch that one of our best broncos had been run off in the night, and taking three of the boys with me, soon picked up the trail. The thief rode straight away for twen- ty miles and then sat down to rest, and as we came up we found him seat- 9d under a tree and contentedly smok- ing his pipe. He made no effort to escape~ but on the contrary put on something of a smile and welcomed us with: "'Sorry to have troubled you, gen-" tlemen. I did not intend to ride over fiv~ miles, but the blamed broncho run away with me. Of course you've brought a rope along? It's a clear case, and you needn't lose any time.' "'You stole the bronco?' I asked. "'Of course.' "'And you know what follows?' " 'Certainly. Let me get my collar off and kick off these old shoes. That limb up there looks strong enough. Let me throw the rope over, please. There it is, and I'll slip the noose over my head. Now, gentlemen. I think we are quite ready. I shall probably do some kicking around, but no more than I can help.' "The fellow's coolness knocked us out and we didn't know which way to shape. While we were puzzling over him he smiled and bowed and said: " 'Have you any reason for keeping :me waiting?' "'You seem to want to hurry,' I replied. "'I do, gentlemen, I do, Yes, you will oblige me very much by pulling on the rope.' " 'Why do you wish to change ell- mates ?' " 'Simply because I've lost my nerve and am n. g. In a poker game~over at Tulare yesterday I held a royal flush asd let a man with a pair bluff me down and rake i~ an $80 pot. Gen- tlemen, proceed.' "But we didn't. We caught up the bronco and rode aw~ay, leaving the rope behind; but after we had gone half a mile we looked back and the fellow was dangling at the end of the rope. He had hung himself.'" # Y*Ir. Sheldon's ]Preference. "I see that the Rev. Mr. Sheldon says he'd rather drink a bottle of red ink than a bottle of beer." "Queer taste, isn't it?" "Never tasted it." "What, beer?" "'No, ink. But say, Just Imagine Mr. Sheldon inviting a friend to Join him in a glass of writing fluid! Wonder how he'd drink it?" ' "I suppose he'd drink it with a chaser of blotting .paper."--ClevelaLd Plain Dealer. THE WEIGHT CAME BACK. From the Chicago Trloune: He was a gay youth with a pleasant turn of wit and he had a friend in New York on whom he decided to play a Joke He thought for a long time, but the wittiest idea he could conjure up was to send him a telegram "collect," and get his laugh out of wlmt he knew would be his stingy friend's agony when he came to pay the 50 cents charges for a foolish message. He wrote several messages on telegraph blanks. The one he finally sent read like this: "George J, Kelly, Broadway, New York: I am in perfect health. J. Lin- coln Reynolds." He sent the telegram and enjoyed i.__. ), ._ ~ 2. L_ HE FOUND A CHUNK OF LEAD. his laugh. Then he forgot all about it. One day about a month after he had sent the witty telegram the express ~wagon stopped in front of his house and the ,messenger brought in a small wooden box. "There are two dollars chargce," "mild the messenger as he put the box down on the table. Reynolds looked at it and saw that it was marked. "Value $100. This side up with care." He wasn't expecting any package, but bAD could not resist the temptation of what was inside, so he ~l~ally paid the money and pried the lid off the box. Inside wa~ a mass of excel- sior and waste paper. Far down at the bottom he found a large chunk of scrap lead. The piece must have weighed five or six pounds and to it was fastened, by a dainty pink rib- bon, a small card. On the card was written the following message: "Dear Reynolds: ~rhis is the weight which your thoughtful telegram lift- ed from my heart. Yours truly, G. J. Kelly." ~[EMORABLE LOCALITIES. /t~ ,~ I / t Mother Fly--"Yes, Willie, this is Mount Terrible and here's the spot where your poor dear papa met his death."---Chicago News. ~E BAFFLED TIIE RAIDERS. The success of a raid on an alleged gambling, house in a .Massachusetts town was foiled by the presence o~ mind of an attendant of the place, who swallowed the dice. Of course this clever trick wouldn't work In some gambling places. Even a Massachu- setts throat would scarcely be able to worry down the paraphernalia of a fully equipped establishment. But it was a winner on the occasion named. The bones clicked against the teeth of the attendant, there was a gulp and a wriggle, and the law's myrmidons were baffled, The attendant mlgbt have added as he tossed the cubes of chance across his tongue that the die is cast, but being entirely unfamiliar with classic lore, he merely remarked with a skillfully disgusted w'nk thac he didn't know nothin' about no dice nohow. And as the state constable had no warrant which authorized him to raid the attendant's midst, he turned away, leaving the swallower in the throes of a fit of laughter that made the dice rattle at every throe.--Cleveland Plain Dealer. It;IS LABOR LOST. Mr. and Mrs. Blxtable resided ~a an apartment house, but as theirs was the lower fiat they exercised a kind of supervision over the little lawn in front. One morning Mrs. Blxtable discovered her husband in the rear o~ the building engaged in strapping the lawn mower on the handlebar of his bicycle. "Why, Gerald," ~1=~ said, "how ridiculous! Don't you know--" "It isn't ridiculous at alU" he re- torted. "I've carried heavier weights than this." "But" "I know what I am doing, Miranda. Don't bother me." She'said nothing more. With a vast amount of work he succeeded at last in tying and strapping the implement across the front of his bicycle and started to trundle the machine out to the road. Then he made a discovery. "Why, Miranda," he exclaimed. "it's too wide to go out through any open- ing we've got!" "I know it, Gerald," quietly re- sponded his wife. "That's what I was trying to tell you."~Youth's Com- panion. Other Books ReCeived. "Hlrsh's Tabulated Digest of the Di- vorce Laws of the United States," by Hugo Hirsh. Funk & Wagnalls com- pany, New York. $1.50. "The Wheels of th~ Machine," by Charles M. Sheldon. Advance Publish- ing comp~iny, Chicago. "Prairie Breezes." by S. A. Harrison principal of the ,Burroughs school, Chi- cago. His Last Chance. "Marse Tom, q)ou mus' she' run for governor." "Why so?" "Kaze you done run fer ever'thing else on de top side er de alrth, en dey's so many in de race for governor mebbe you won't get beat dls time!"--Atlan- ta Constitution. Bound to Believe. "In spite of the lucky stone you car- ry in your pocket you lost all your money and a sign fell on you and broke your arm." "Yes, but wasn't it fortunate I had that lucky stone? Think what might have happened ~b me otherwise!'- Boston Traveler.~ Well within the Law. What are you doing there..' sho~t- ed the night watchmafl to the fellow who had broken into a tobacco store. "Well," replied the burglar, "I didn't really think there was any law against a fellow taking a little snuff."~Yonk- erB Statesman. ~[atter o! Diet. Simkins~"A scientist says the goat L~ the most unreliable of all domestic animals." Timklns--"No wonder. A diet of tln-can labels and circus posters is enough to destroy the spirit of truth in any creature.". MALTA'S RIEVANCES. ENGLISH SUBSTITUTED FOR ITALIAN AS OFFi(~IAL LANGUAGE. Oomplaints of the Maltese Treated with Contempt by Secretary Chamberlain and Passed Over by Parliament-- Natives Seek Home Rule in Vaim. The island of Malta is at present greatly angered at its British govern- ors. The complaints of the Maltese have been treated with contempt by Mr. Chamberlain, the secretary for the colonies and have been passed over by parliament. The case for the na- tives has been put in the shape of a pamphlet addressed "To the English Nation," which the London Daily Chronicle condenses, with extracts, as follows: It is pointed out that the Maltese have been for a century under British rule, and during all this period have given constant proofs of loyalty. They were always, and are still, proud to belong to England, but their contention is that they have al- ways claimed in vain those benefits which they considered should have ac- crued to them from this union. The Maltese have so far claimed in vain to have their home rule. They have uselessly applied to the imperial gov- ernment, through a deputation sent to London in 1809, with a view of pro- testing against the substifution of the English language for the Italian, and of obtaining the political freedom to administer, their own government. Their Just claims have been obstinate- ly rejected, and they are now groaning under a military government always severer and harsher. They have now decided to make an appeal to the gen- erous English people, hoping that their moderate pretensions may be taken up by the British parliament. England has always been the school of freedom, and we are, therefore sure that our appeal to the generosity o fthe English nation will not be in vain." The appeal claims that the decision of the people on the language question, and on that of the taxes, could not have been more unanimously express- ed than in the meetings held on May 5 and June 2. "With reference to the language question we beg to state that those official members of the council of gov- ernment to whom the task is entrust- ed of bringing about the substitution of the English for the Italian lan- guage, have frequently misrepresent- ed the bearings of this subject; it is, therefore, our duty frankly to declare that no one is contrary to the teach- ing of the English language and to its diffusion in Malta, but that all Mal- tese are contrary to its substitution [or Italian, are contrary to the exclu- sion of the latter from these islbnds. This opposition of the Maltese, being thus briefly and clearly defined, its justice is self-evident, and it becomes quite intelligible that the Maltese are asking for what they have a right, and maintain what the government can- not deprive them of without commit- ting an act of the most odious vio- lence." Malta, it is contended, at its self- cession to Great Britain, received the most solemn promises from the King that the rights of the Maltese would always be protected. Among these rights the Italian language is declared to be included, and its maintenance in its ancient position is absolutely insisted upon. In regard to the s~ate- mentthat the government desire for the substitution of English for Italian for the benefit of the Maltese are well able to Judge of their own interests. It is added: "With regard to the question of taxes, there is little to say; the unani- mous declarations of all classes of the population, especially of the clergy and of the legal body, to the effect that the Maltese are not in a position to pay heavier taxes than they now do. is quite an insurmountable objection to the creation of new taxes. Malta, once so prosperous~ Is now reduced almost to misery." To this reason another may be added--and thin ls, that so long as Malta is deprived of admin- istering its own government, so far as lc(al affairs are concerned, the govern- n~mt has no right to appeal for fur- ther taxes, We conclude by express- ing our hope that our just demands for a better constitution and our most energetic opposition to the substitution of the English language for the Italian and the creation of new taxes, wiil find a deserved appreciation in your sense of justice and humanity." ~New York Sun. Behr Monorail Sanctioned. The Behr Monorail. between Liver pool and Manchester, has been finally sanctioned by the British House of Commons. As it has passed the House of Lords, it is intended to commence work on the project early next year. It wiil take about three years to build it according to the contract. Electricity will be the motive power employed.~ Philadelphia Times. Two Land Kings. The dukes of Devonshire, Suther- land and Buccleuch own between them landed' property representing a slice of land five miles wide. running from the extreme north of Scotland to the exireme south of England. The total aczeage of their landed property is 2,01J4,600. They're SO 8carte. '"that cousin of yours from the country doesn't look as if he knew beans." "No; but he knows potatoes, and he's in town getting a good price for ~a~m. too.~Phtladelphia Bulletin. SUSTAINING POPULATION. When Our Country Will Be Able te Support a Billion Inhabitants. Belgium had in 1897 a population of 579 per square mile, with 2,867 miles of railway, 5,743 miles of public roads', and 1,370 miles of navigable waters and canals. The area is less than that of Maryland, but the population sus- tained is six times as great. Nether- lands in 1898 had a population of 401 per square mile, with about 1,000 miles of railway, 3,000 miles of navi- gable water, exclusive c.~ canals, and 1,907 miles of canals, in an area equal to that of Massachusetts and Connecticut combined, but a popula- tion 50 per cent greater than that of those densely populated states. Eng- land and Wales had in 1891 a popula- tion of 498 per square mile, with 15,- 000 miles of railway, 2,08 miles of canals, and an admirable highway system the area being about equal to that of the state of Georgia, and the present population twelve times as great. Porto Rico, which is looked upon as having an extremely de~e population, has only about 225 inhabi- tants per square mile, with very little development in railways and roads, and General Roy Stone, who has spent much time in that island since Ameri- cab occupation, stated, in a recent ad- dress before the American Academy of Political and Social Science, that iu his opinion the island, which now sus- tains less than 1,000,000 inhabitants, can well support fully 5,000,000 people, since not more than one-fourth of the soil is now under cultivation. By pror.erly developing its producing pow- ers and exchanging these products for foodstuffs from other parts of the world, it would probably be able to .sustain more than five times its pres- ent population or more than 1.000 per square mile. Barbados, one of the British West Indies. has a population of more than 1.100 per square mile, yet it is lo,ked on as a prosperous community. The two most prosperous countries in the world, aside from the United States, are England and Ger- many; yet they now sustain, on a com- bined area less than that of Texas, a population greater than that of the entire United States. and twenty-five times as great as that which Texas now supports. With a great railway system stretching from Patagonia to Alaska, and' connecting across Behring strait, with an Asiatic railway system; with wireless telegraphy, enabling in- staneous communication from city to city, and telephone so developed that man may speak from continent to contineet, with the art of ocean navi- gation much more highly developed, and perhaps the navigation of the air as completely mastered as that of the ocean is today, the United States' with it~ power to interchange its products, will be in touch with those of other lands, and its power to sustain a popu- lation of 500,000,000--yes. even a bil- lion---~ ill be greater than that by which the prosperous nations of Eu- rope sustai~t their present population. --O. P. Austin in the Forum. WOMEN AS HORSE JOCKEYS. Not a Few of Our English Cousins Have Won Trophies on the Turf. In England more than on this side of the Atlantic women are takiqg a lively interest in horse-racing. But four or five generations ago It was far more common than itds to-day to see members of the fair sex taking a con- spicuous part in the races. One h~Jn- dred and seventy-five years ago wo- men were among the riders at race meetings, In an English paper of Aug. 28, 1725, appears the following adver- tisement: "To be run for. The usual four-mile course on Rippon common, in the county of York. On Tuesday, Sept. 15, the Lady's plate of 15 value by any horse. Women to be the riders; each to pay a guinea entrance, three heats, and thrice about the common for heat." But even this is still some distance behind the newness of the early Georgian ladies, who did not con- fine their physical exercises to horse- racing. In 1733 four women ran a race in Pall Mall at 3 o'clock in the after- noon before a large and fashionable audience. Public opinion, however, was not reall~ in favor of women's sports, and owing to the protest made at the time such races were forbidden in future. Probably the recent admis- sion of women into the acting profes- sion had suggested this later venture into other manly fields o9 action. For until Charles II.'s time all the women's ~tarts had been played by boys, which was also the case on the Japanese stags until the tradition was broken so charmingly bY Mine. Sada Yacco.--Chl- cage Chronicle. A Wretched King. Norodom, King of Cambodia, a short, fat person, with one eye, is said to be the most wretched man on earth. He has a gorgeous palace, furnished in the most expensive manner, but he adheres to the customs of his ances- tors and sleeps on an old carpet in a kind of shed that has not been cleaned for years. He is a victim of hypo- chrondia, and all day long heaves deep sighs of utter wretchedness.--Chicago Tribune. HIs Trouble. "Your life seems to be too monoto- nous," remarked the physician. "Don't you ever have any change?" "Some times," replied the street car eon- d~lctor, apologetically, "but then there's so many mugs that never haveI anything less than a five-dollar bill it keeps me hustlin.' "--Philadelphia Press. A Sign of Something. "Is It a sign of anything when a person has eyes of different color?'" "Well, yes--when they're b~.ck a~d blua.'~philadelphla Bulletlu. CAMPFIRE SKETCHES. GOOD SHORT STORIES FOR THE VETERANS. A C~federate Soldier Named Renfrew Wko Took the Stars and Bars to a SOuth Sea Island--Would Not Surren- d~' the Emblem. RATTLE HYMN. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord; He is tramping out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored; He has loosed the fatal lightning of His terrible swift sword; His truth is marching on. I have seen Him in the watchfires of a hundred circling camps; They have builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps; I have read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps; His day is marching on. I have read a fiery gospel writ in bar- nished rows of steel; "As ye.deal with my contemners, so with you my grace shall deal; Let the hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with his heel. Since God is marching on." He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat; He is sifting out the hearts of men before His Judgment seat; Oh, be swift, my soul~ to answer Him; be Jubilant my feet! Our God is marching on. IN THE BEAUTY OF THE LILIES CHRIST WAg BORN ACROSS THE SEA; WITH A GLORY IN HIS BOSOM THAT TRANSFIGURES YOU AND ME; AS HE DIED TO MAKE MEN HOLY, LET US DIE TO MAKE MEN FREE, WHILE GOD IS MARCHING ON. BENFREW AND HIS FLA6. General Basil Duke and General John B. Castleman have been over- whelmed with letters from old Con- federates asking what they knew of the story of Henry Clay Renfrew, an ex-Confederate who carried away the last flag of the~,Confederacy and es- caped with it to the Navigator Islands, says the Louisville Courier-Journal. Renfrew was supposed to have been a member of the Second Kentucky under General Duke. A~reporter called on General Duke to learn the facts in the case. "No," sa.d the General. "Renfrew's name has slipped my mem- ory. I thoroughly believe the truth of the story. The fact that his diary shows him to have been in both the I Second and the Fourth Kentucky is a point that goes far toward establish- ing the authenticity of the tale. If it were simply a cooked-up yarn the au- thor would never have thought to put him in two regiments. The matter of which flag he took must be a bit un- certain. You know, we old Confed- erates were so busy that we could not worry much about the flags. I don't :hink I had a brigade flag. Renfrew }robably got his company flag, as most of the companies had some emblem or pennon. I have talked to several of my men and they say that they re- member Renfrew perfectly. He came !rein somewhere near Midway. From what they tell me he was a gallant sol- dier." The reporter then hunted up one of the men who was a private un- der General Duke. "Renfrew?" ex- claimed the old soldier. "Of course I remember ttenfrew. He was one of the finest fellows in the army. When I knew him Ire was about 23 years old and in Bart Jenkins' brigade. Ren- frew, Bayless and Mosgrove were mates. They were all college gradu- ates and naturally dri.fted together in the company. They messed together all the time. Every one of them was a brave soldier. Bayless now lives in Cincinnati. I know that Renfrew was in that last march as one of Presi-~ dent jefferson Davis' escort. Most of that last command surrendered at Mount Sterling. Some of them, how- ever, tried to work west to join Kirby Smith. The command split and I lost sight of Renfrew. Bayless of Cin- cinnati could tell all about him." The story is to the effect that out in the far Navigator Isle floats an old Con- federate flag that has never been sur- rendered. And now all over the coun- try old soldiers are rousing themselves and overwhelming General Duke with inquiries concerning the story of the oung Kentuckian who bravely bore that flag, then willingly expatriated himself rather than surrender it. Four years he followed it, and then, for twenty-five more, it floated proudly us- surrendered before his hut on.a little Pacific island. Now Private Henry Clay Renfre~v, C. S. A., lies buried in a rocky ~eadland of that far isle. He lies so that, rising, his face would look toward the east, toward the land of his youth and his love. And over the grave of the dead soldier floats the tattered battle flag; the stars and bars for which he gave up home and friends md all that made life tolerable. The native who befriended him takas car~ of the grave. Captain Martin Schuy- ler, formerly captain in the Seventh Ohio cavalry, brought back the story from the Philippines. He told it to Captain T. F. Allen, also of the Sev- enth Ohio. Captain Schuyler met the native and from him learned the story of the flag. The native told him that many years ago an American, who said he had drifted along the western coast of South America, after passing through Mexico, settled in the Naviga- tor Islands and lived alone, flying be- fore his hut a Confederate battle flag, which he said was carried by the car: alry escort that traveled w~th Jeffer- son Davis in the last stages of his flight from Richmond before his cap, ture by the Federals. The ex-soldierI said that he had escaped with the flag~ which he loved too well to permit him to live again under the United States flag. The American refugee lived his isolated life for years, dying three years ago and leaving his flag to his native friend, with the injunction that he never part with it. Captain Schuy- ler finally got the native's permission~ to examine the dead American's ef- fects. He found papers and diarie~ indicating that the ex-Confederate wad Henry Clay Renfrew, a member of either the Second or Fourth Kentucky cavalry, or both, in the Confederate army. In some places he referred to Colonel Basil Duke as the Colonel and Captain John B. Castleman as his captain; in others to Colonel Henry Giltner and Captain Bart Jenkins as his colonel and captain respectively. He wrote of Bernard Bayless and Dal- las Mosgrove as his chums. In one of the diaries Renfrew referred at length to the last days of the Confederacy. Then followed the statement that he was with the last body of organized Confederate soldiers that escorted Jef- ferson Davis, General Duke command- ing, and that when Duke's surrender was agreed upon the writer took the flag from the staff, concealed it about his body and escaped, with the inten- tion of taking the flag to some foreign land. HE SERVED GEN. JACKSON. A picturesque character of the South recently passed away in Alfred Jack- son, the body servant of President An- drew Jackson. He was 96 years old and his death removes the last of the family of servants of the celebrated' Hermitage under its first master. The reputation of "Uncle Alfred," as he was known to thousands, is national. For years he had been the most inter- esting figure at the Hermitage, where he had lived almost a century: He was born on the Hermitage farm soon after General Jackson made that beau- tiful spot his home. When the civil war broke out he and his wife, Gracey, alone of all the servants stayed with their mistress, never leaving the place for an hour. In the lifetime of Gen- eral Jackson the old darky was one of hls most favored servants and wl~en the great man passed away, Alfred was at his bedside. His chief char- acteristic was always his extreme loy- alty to General Jackson. Other men attained to some sort of reputation, but none, to him, ever reached the general's pinnacle of fame. When Al- fred was presented to ex-President . Ru ~rford B. Hayes he merely said: "Ef you had been as great a man as Ginral Jackson I could 'most shake yo' hand off." The old servant's great- est desire was to be buried in the garden near the last resting place of his former master, his ideal of all greatness, and he has his wish. He has been buried just north of the tomb of General Jackson, the Ladies' I=ermitage Association directing this. DIMINUTIVE WAR HEROES, ' Military experts generally of late have been recognizing as important the fact that some of the greatest mil- itary aachievements in history have been made by men of small stature, notably among these diminutive he- roes being Alexander and Napoleon, while in our own history Generals Sheridan, Wheeler and Funston have been less remarkable for their inches than for their pluck. It is doubtful whether some of the greatest men in army history could have got into the service if the height now demanded of enlisted men had been a test fo~" them to pass. The world-conquerlng Wag-~ ram and Moscow, were little fellows, not one in 10 of whom would have had a chance to enlist in an American or British regiment;, but they knew their business, and the more stalwart war- riors of Austria and Prussia could not stand before them. No restric- tions being placed on officers as to helghth, the little men have had to look for their vindication to the men who wear swords. The time may come when the rifle carriers also will be able to pr0v~e tlie truth of the old saying that "you can't tell by the length Of his legs how far a frog can Jump." In fact, new regulations lowering the lim- ltat|ons as to the heighth of recruits have already been favorably consid- ered by the army leaders of several nations. Admiral Evans' Nickname. Most persons have an idea that Rear Admiral Robl~r~D. Evans acquired his ~lckname of "Fighting Bob" from some gallant service in the navy. A rf~val officer who was a cadet at An- napolis when Evans became a cadet tells this story of how he was chris- tened. Along in 1859 and 1860 there was a saloonkeeper named Robert D. Evans, who continually got drunk. Every time this happened, and it was several times a week, five or Six po- licemen had to be called to carry the drunken chap to jail and he was dubbed "Fighting Bob." So the min- ute a cadet appeared bearing the name of R. D. Evans the nickname was ap- plied to him also. Brother officers ot the now rear admiral say that he got the luckiest nickname on record. Admiral Melville's Titles. The chief engineer of the navy, by law bearing the title of rear admiral, George W. Melville, is the possessor of a gold medal awarded by Congress in recognition of services in the Arctic regions. He has the degree of doctor of laws, conferred by Georgetown Uni- versity, and the degree of doctor of en- gineering, conferred by Illinois Instio: tute of Technology. Besides, he is a'. member of a dozen literary and patri~,~ otic societies. Withal, Rear Admiral Melville has not the qualifications o'f a gentlsman, according to the Sampsc~n code.--Utlca Pre~.